May 15

Grieving the Man My Husband is Not

by BrookePosted in Relationships, UncategorizedTagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

My husband is a good man. But he is not a perfect man. And he is not everything I originally dreamed of and hoped for in a man. He is more -in every sense of that word.  He is more than what I would have known to ask for, and he is more than what I would have wanted to ask for.  Some of his qualities I would have traded at the door in hopes of avoiding the painful process of developing more Christ-like character.  (Patience? Gentleness? Anyone?)

A few years ago, all of the leaders in our ministry took the test from the book, Strengths Finders.  It’s probably the best “test” that I have taken in Christendom, and I have taken a few!  Anyway, this test showed that my top strength was “Responsibility”.  That basically means that if I’m ever given a task to do, I own it.  And if I’m not given the task to do, I try to own it.  Annoying, I know.  

My husband’s number one strength is “deliberative.”  This is someone who “has naturally good judgement, who can see the implications of a decision before it is made,” and who takes a looooong time to order a drink because of all the possible outcomes that this one choice might have on his life.

So after we took the test, I realized that this was the way that God made my husband.  I also realized that he was not being painfully slow just to irritate me.  I was able to appreciate him more for who he is.  And I was able to stop (a least a little bit) expecting him to be exactly like me!  Because wouldn’t the world be easier if everyone thought and acted exactly like me?  Scary!

But I’ve also had to let go of the imaginary man in my head whom I thought I would marry.  My actual husband could not measure up, nor was he meant to.  My imaginary husband catered only to my desires.  My actual husband caters more to the Lord’s.  My imaginary husband had become an idol.

My father is a salesman.  All of my life he has been in some form of sales.  For the past 30 years, it’s been with precious metals.  He spends most of his day on the phone talking with clients.  Needless to say, he is very comfortable in conversation with others: small talk, shooting the breeze, directing a discussion.  I like that about my Dad.  Whatever social situation we faced as kids, Dad was there to ease us into it.  I was accustomed to the prominent man in my life taking the lead at parties and around the table.

My husband is naturally a quieter person.  He is most comfortable talking in a smaller group of 2 or 3.  He is able to relate to people from all walks life and in various settings, but he prefers to be around those he knows well and with whom he can talk about more meaningful topics, or with whom he can just sit in silence.  I really like that about my husband.  He is utterly sincere in all he does and in all he says.  He doesn’t feel the need to make a story seem grander than it is.  He is extremely trustworthy.

But I had to learn how to let my husband be who he is (content to be quiet in a large group) and not expect him to be my dad (helping me engage in social settings).  I had to face up to my own fear of public interaction when I wasn’t able to hide behind my father anymore.  That was uncomfortable, and I would try to blame my husband when I felt awkward.  But in reality, it was I who needed to change and become more of the woman God intended for me to be.  In the end, I can see the God’s grace in giving me someone who would force my hand, call my bluff, and inspire me to maturity.  I had to let go and grieve the man that he is not so that I could embrace more fully the man that he is.

Maybe it’s something different for you.  Maybe your husband’s not handy around the house, can’t throw a football, doesn’t like to hunt, doesn’t like beer, isn’t interested in philosophical discussion, won’t go to watch the theater with you.

Many of us base our ideals of the perfect man on moments we shared with our fathers as children.   Or we may base them on the infatuated qualities of an old flame.  Or even on what society tells us a man should be.  But we need to accept the men that God made and then gave to us.  We need to allow them to be who they were created to be.  If we refuse to, we are accusing God of creating damaged goods.

And I’m not talking about character flaws.  We all have those as well but they are not innate to who we are, and should be shed as we mature in Jesus.  I’m taking about our inherent personalities, our natures and temperaments: the essence of who we are that cannot be changed.

May I be the type of wife who celebrates the man my husband was made to be, in the image of God, instead of trying to turn him into an image that I designed in my own imagination.

What facets of God does your husband bring to the world, to your family, and to you?

Wondering what to look for in a spouse?  Here’s 3 essentials!)

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46 thoughts on “Grieving the Man My Husband is Not”

  1. I’m reminded of an Elisabeth Elliot story from her second husband. He said that when a woman marries she would generously say that she approves of 80% of her husband’s traits, but then spends their entire marriage working on the other 20%. So true and so sad.

    1. It’s so true! Life is so much easier if we let people be who God wired them to be! Thanks for sharing that story, Michele.

  2. I’m reminded of an Elisabeth Elliot story from her second husband. He said that when a woman marries she would generously say that she approves of 80% of her husband’s traits, but then spends their entire marriage working on the other 20%. So true and so sad.

    1. It’s so true! Life is so much easier if we let people be who God wired them to be! Thanks for sharing that story, Michele.

  3. “But I had to learn how to let my husband be who he is.” I wish it didn’t take us so long to learn this. ha. I’m still not all the way there, but I’ve come much further in appreciating how God made my husband different from me. Our relationship is much smoother as a result.

  4. “But I had to learn how to let my husband be who he is.” I wish it didn’t take us so long to learn this. ha. I’m still not all the way there, but I’ve come much further in appreciating how God made my husband different from me. Our relationship is much smoother as a result.

  5. Such a good post. And this? –> “My imaginary husband had become an idol.” It’s something many of us worship without realization. What a God thing when we come to appreciate our guy for the man God made him to be, and what a way to worship our Creator. Vising via #RaRaLinkup.

    1. Thanks, Kristi. Yes, it’s something I have definitely done without even realizing it, getting frustrated for seemingly no reason, when this was probably at the heart of it. Thanks for stopping by! #RaRaLinkup

  6. Such a good post. And this? –> “My imaginary husband had become an idol.” It’s something many of us worship without realization. What a God thing when we come to appreciate our guy for the man God made him to be, and what a way to worship our Creator. Vising via #RaRaLinkup.

    1. Thanks, Kristi. Yes, it’s something I have definitely done without even realizing it, getting frustrated for seemingly no reason, when this was probably at the heart of it. Thanks for stopping by! #RaRaLinkup

  9. You are a wise lady Brooke! Love your writings and the real wisdom you impart!

  10. You are a wise lady Brooke! Love your writings and the real wisdom you impart!

  11. When I was single I prayed for a man just like me, and I thought I found him. Turns out I wasn’t who I thought I was and thank God my husband isn’t just like me. lol Marriage is always a work in progress.

  12. When I was single I prayed for a man just like me, and I thought I found him. Turns out I wasn’t who I thought I was and thank God my husband isn’t just like me. lol Marriage is always a work in progress.

  13. What a great post! As I was reading it I was thinking that sometimes what we think we want is not what we need to be all God has called us to be. Thanks so much for this great reminder and thanks for linking to Waiting On…Wednesday!

  14. What a great post! As I was reading it I was thinking that sometimes what we think we want is not what we need to be all God has called us to be. Thanks so much for this great reminder and thanks for linking to Waiting On…Wednesday!

  17. What a great word about contentment and marriage – to love that man you are with rather than dreaming up what he could or should be!
    Found you on 100 Days today~
    Blessings,
    Melanie

  18. What a great word about contentment and marriage – to love that man you are with rather than dreaming up what he could or should be!
    Found you on 100 Days today~
    Blessings,
    Melanie

  19. Wow! What a beautiful reminder to be thankful for our husbands and all that they do for us. Thanks so much for sharing such an inspirational and poignant piece with us on #shinebloghop!

  20. Wow! What a beautiful reminder to be thankful for our husbands and all that they do for us. Thanks so much for sharing such an inspirational and poignant piece with us on #shinebloghop!

  21. Dear Brooke, knowing both sides of your story, you and your beloved are Gods perfect gift to each other- like the 2 blades of a pair of scissors- you have to be opposite to each other to be effective I think- I know that works for us!
    Great post
    R.

  22. Dear Brooke, knowing both sides of your story, you and your beloved are Gods perfect gift to each other- like the 2 blades of a pair of scissors- you have to be opposite to each other to be effective I think- I know that works for us!
    Great post
    R.

  23. This is awesome! I don’t have a husband yet but I hope that when I’m in a relationship I’ll be able to see more clearly what God has created in the man I’m with the way you have.

  24. This is awesome! I don’t have a husband yet but I hope that when I’m in a relationship I’ll be able to see more clearly what God has created in the man I’m with the way you have.

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