Some people are difficult.
We find them annoying or boring or irritating. Sometimes those people are coworkers or family members. Sometimes they are even our own children! And sometimes they are us. Let’s face it, we can all be annoying at times.
The funny thing about being human is that we all use ourselves as the standard for what “normal” is. Everyone who does not live in the same manner that I do is considered to be weird or strange.
This is a habit that I’m often correcting with my own kids. “His language is weird.” “Her clothes are strange.” “Their house is funny.” By weird, strange and funny what they mean is “different to mine/ours”.
You see, we only know what we know. I remember as a kid sleeping over at a friend’s house and realizing that some families do eat sugary cereal for breakfast! That was totally strange! A foreign concept in my own home.
I talk with my kids about how other people are not strange or weird, they are just different. They do things differently to us because everyone is unique. Cultures and countries are unique. They probably think they way you look/talk/eat are weird too. That doesn’t make it wrong or bad.
This is helpful to keep in mind when thinking about getting along with those who are “other”, whatever that might mean for you.
The standard for love is high.
As a Christian, I know the standard for dealing with others is not just tolerating them but really loving them, as Jesus loves me.
“Love each other with genuine affection, and taking delight in honoring each other.” -Romans 12:10
The standard is set so high that it requires supernatural help. There’s just no way I can love people in that manner when I can’t stand to be around them. So what to do?
Quite a few years ago, I was working on a small team with a large non profit organization. It was just a handful of us working on this particular project, so we saw A LOT of each other. There was nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. And there was one coworker in particular who really got on my nerves and under my skin. This person was extremely detail-oriented and would take up so much of our time asking (what I considered to be) irrelevant and unnecessary questions. She got irritated easily and would lose her temper at times, and she didn’t make up for it with an interesting or fun personality. She was fairly dull to be around.
Now, this was all my perspective. It felt like reality but in truth, this person was made in the image of God. God loved my coworker and found her just as amazing as he did me.
The problem was that I was making it all about myself. I needed to feel a certain way about a person before I felt I could love them or enjoy their company. I didn’t want to be around this person because I felt they didn’t add anything to my life.
The advice that I received
I shared this with my director one day because I was really struggling. My director asked if I had been praying for this person? No, not really. She suggested that I spend time everyday praying blessing for this person and asking God to give me his heart and his eyes for my coworker. She also suggested that I begin to pursue a friendship with this person.
Ugh. I really didn’t want to do that, but I was beginning to realize that this was more my problem than anyone else’s. God did not say to love only the people who I deem worthy of my love. He said to love everyone. And to do it from the heart.
Well, sometimes you need to fake it to make it, right? I’m not sure, but I began heeding my directors suggestions and started praying for this coworker. I stepped out in faith and asked her out to coffee. I made a decision to lay down my “right” to be mutually encouraged or entertained by someone else and decided just to be a blessing even if I didn’t feel like I was getting anything out of it. God didn’t say I had to be BFFs with everyone, but I did need to learn to love from the heart those who were different to me.
And you know what? An amazing transformation took place. As I prayed for God to give me his heart for her and began to intentionally spend time with her, I found she wasn’t so boring after all. I began to see her as a whole person with a history. Someone who had been loved and had also been hurt. I began to have compassion and as my compassion grew, so did my friendship with this coworker.
All the icky feelings I had began to melt away as I determined to move in the opposite direction of my emotions and towards the standard that I knew God wanted me to live at. And I found that I became free.
No longer do I need to like someone to be able to love them. No longer am I bound to the chains of having my own personal ego stroked or needing someone to be amusing/interesting/charming/intelligent/well-spoken before I can love them. I can love anyone because I can see them through God’s eyes if I ask him for that vision.
Love is service.
This is what Jesus means when he speaks of being a servant. I can serve people by befriending them, by honoring and valuing them even if I don’t think they are adding value to my life (when in fact they are). I can lay down my own agenda and rights to feel a certain way when I’m with others and simply give my time and my love to another.
Honestly, this is probably still one of my biggest hang ups with my kids. I can get bored or tired of their requests and needs. If I could come back to this place of serving them above myself, then I would once again find freedom.
It’s supernatural. We can’t do it alone. Or at least we can’t sustain it for very long. But it is possible. God’s love sets us free to love others without needing anything in return. Just like he loves us.
